I'm a bit late to the party, but I'm here nonetheless. It's been a load of ups and downs in 2012, and I don't know if I've grown in the direction I'd have wanted to. I guess that's what reflections are for. It's the start of the new year, it's the middle of the night, and the night has very much gotten to me, so naturally it has set me thinking.
Thinking back in this current state, I'd have to say that I am sad. I can't ignore the fun I've had this year, but I've talked about all that. What strikes me the most, right now especially, is all the regret I feel.
Regret is a ridiculous emotion. It deals with 'what if' instead of what happened. There's only one way something could have happened, but there's countless more 'what ifs'. For every word said, for every move made; something could have been done differently, and it could (and more likely than not would) lead to vastly different outcomes.
Our nature compels us to imagine and subsequently hope for the best possible outcomes in any and all our endeavours, and when things do not follow these expectations (in a sense), the 'what ifs' come to haunt us, and we regret. Not because something bad happened, but because something good didn't. We forget how to be thankful.
I think hope is a dangerous emotion. It's the precursor to regret, and hope is an emotion that we cannot shake off. As long as we are uncertain of something, we hope for the best, and as I've said, when things don't go our way... Hope lets us see the light in bad situations, but when it's crushed, we come falling down hard.
There are so many things I regret to have done over the course of 2012. I feel silly about it, as my aforementioned sadness arises from what didn't happen instead of what did, and it is silly to be so affected by things and events that do not exist. And yet, here I am, feeling how I feel now.
I regret not studying harder - I am uncertain of what's to come, and it makes me feel uneasy at the thought of it.
I regret saying many of the things I've said - I am not one who thinks much before I speak, and I have said many horrible things to and about people, and no amount of remorse on my part will take those words back.
I regret slipping away from God, willingly even - it was my choice to not go to church in the months preceding A's, and I had had no peace during that time. I find it hard to get back. I am more vulgar now, I am more insensitive, and as much as I want to change back, it is difficult.
I regret not making the effort to grow closer to you guys - now that all is said and done, we barely talk. The last time I have seen all of us together was months ago. We have gone our separate ways, something that I saw coming, and yet I laconically dismissed the thought and did nothing about it.
I regret not hanging on to our friendship tighter - you were one of my closest friends, and yet now I haven't seen you in weeks, and often I find myself talking with Wilfred about you, what you meant to us. But you will not read this, you will not know how much of a brother you were to me, and I cannot do anything about it.
I regret ever telling you about how I felt for you. I should have just kept it to myself and should've never said a thing. Even so, I regret not telling you earlier - I picked the worst time; too little too late.I cannot help but feel guilty about it, even now. Telling you how I felt created that wall between us that made our relationship fall to shambles. You did not trust me as a result of my confession. I felt that you had betrayed me and our relationship. I felt that you had lied to me, that you were not there for me anymore. I felt that I did not know you. I felt it unjust that you did not tell me everything even though I told you my everything. I blamed you. And yet, it was not your fault at all. You were behind the scenes, giving me time to think alone, all while silently making sure that I was okay, though I did not acknowledge that at the time. It was stupid hope that was making me think of more, making me want more. I blamed you for something that did not happen, for things that did not go my way. And for that, I am sorry. I don't know if you will read this, but in the off-chance that you do, remember that you are very special to me.
Though I may be regretful, yet still am I thankful; light shines all the more brighter when it's pitch black.
I am thankful for those who gave me comfort when I needed it; my classmates, my parents, my siblings, my friends.
I am thankful for those whom I know are and call my best friends.
I am thankful for you, Cheryl.
You know me best out of everyone I know. You've seen me at my weakest, you have heard and seen me cry countless times, and you've made me realise how much of a wuss I am when it comes to my emotions. Thankfully, you've helped me learn to control them better. You tell me to man up, and I remember all the advice you've given me. When I am lonely, you make the effort to keep me company, and you make sure that I am okay at the end of the day. You are who I go to when I need company but don't feel like talking, when I feel like not doing anything but not alone. You listen to me whenever I need to vent out any anger, and you do not judge, offering all that I need in a listening ear. You put up with my banter and nonsense almost every single day, and you allow me to truly express myself, to the point where I sometimes wonder why you're still my friend after the shit I put you through. Though we didn't talk for a while in J1 you came back and forgave me for my spite. You have been my friend and confidante for 6 years and counting, and I am thankful for that.
I am thankful for you, Yingting.
You're the one I depend on b. You've given me so much support regardless of whatever trouble I am having, and you've always kept an eye out for me. You are my moral pillar, and as strange as it sounds, I look up to you because of that. You have taught me how to pick myself up from the gutters, and during all the times when I alone cannot do so, you do not hesitate to give me your hand to grasp on to. We put on strong fronts for each other when the other cannot, and you have done so for me countless times. You have reminded me so many times that you're only a call away, and I myself am for you too. You know my insecurities inside and out; you know when and how to quell them. You have taught me what it is like to truly love others, regardless of who they are or what others say of them. Though I mess up sometimes, you never hesitate to forgive and encourage me. I find it strange that you do not fully see the good in yourself, and I often tell you that you need to give yourself more credit, so please do so. For your support and your presence, I am thankful.
I am thankful for you, Wilfred.
You are my brother; You have laughed and cried with me, and you have almost literally been by my side through the past two years; I saw you almost everyday. You have shown me how to live life, how to have fun. Spending time with you was something I looked forward to everyday, be it screwing around or confiding in you, you are there to turn to even when there is nobody else. We do not talk everyday, but whenever we do our friendship resumes like not a minute has passed. Your company lets me release any pent up emotions or stress, and I feel most natural around you. I tell you everything, and I treasure the trust you have in me too. I once thought I knew brotherhood back in secondary school with my guy friends - you had redefined it altogether. Through thick and thin, I know you will be there. Though we do not talk every single moment, I always remember what you say: We have the rest of our lives to be friends. Hopefully we'll both be single when we're 40 so that we can move to California together to get married. You are my brother through and through, and I am thankful for you.
While all the possibilities and the things that I do not have may haunt me, at the very least, I have learnt to treasure what I do have, and that makes me happy.
You know that silence at the end of a phone call, when nobody has hung up yet? You know that little glimmer of... Hope?
I am afraid.
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